Quite possibly longer as well. This is an epic review of “If You Were a Dinosaur, My Love”:
I thought it was cool that the girl narrator loves dinosaurs so much. I
mean, really, who doesn’t love dinosaurs? Especially the T-Rex. The
Biggest, Meanest Big Bad of the Big Bads. Awesome. Well, ok, a five foot
ten inch T-Rex. So not the biggest, but at least the meanest right? And
she feeds it live meat and it’s gory, so still cool, right?
the T-Rex starts singing lullabies, and performing musical theater.
Then it gets married. Whoa. What happened? That’s not the Biggest,
Meanest Big Bad of the Big Bads – that’s Hugh Jackman! Which would still
be cool if it was Wolverine Hugh Jackman, but it’s not. It’s The Boy from Oz
Hugh Jackman. The gay Hugh Jackman. Not that there’s anything wrong
with being gay. I love gay men. Well, I mean, not like that, I enjoy gay
– yes, people, gay people. They’re wonderful.
So just as my
attention starts to wander and I’m thinking about Hugh in all his tight
glitter clothes and sparkley man glory, well, then suddenly the story
twists into this awesome piece of violent dinosaur revenge porn! Just
like Man on Fire with Denzel, but toothier!
got me again, Hugo award for sure! Men soaked in gin and malice? Oh,
yeah, baby, bring me some of that! Ah, I mean, what a beautiful word
picture. Men, gin, malice… mmmm… beautiful. So now there is blood
everywhere, evil cackling laughter, widows and orphans – wooo! I’m out
of my seat cheering on the five foot ten inch T-Rex – and then she’s
back talking about a wedding again for gosh sakes. And it’s not even a
blood soaked Carrie kinda wedding, but a green chiffon wedding – does Hugh have green eyes? I guess I’ve never looked at his eyes.
we find out that the narrator actually hates her fiance because he’s a
pussy who can’t win a bar fight! In her imagination she loved this
awesome man mincing T-Rex that waded through pools of revenge blood but
in real life he was just… a disappointment. He wasn’t the bar fight
winning, beer drinking, tattooed, six foot six inch, 300 pound Hells
Angel alpha male she wanted, just some New York hipster in skinny jeans
who couldn’t take a pool cue across the face.
She wrote this
whole story to rip away the tiny bit of masculinity her fiance still
possessed. A masculinity wax job. That. Is. Cold. I mean, not every man
can be Wolverine Hugh Jackman, but please, why does she hate gay Hugh
Jackman so much?
5 Stars for awesome dinosaur revenge porn – minus 4 stars for the homophobia.