I was asked my thoughts on the Baptist church, in which I was raised, on the Darkstream the other night, and this Babylon Bee article pretty much summarizes the full extent of my opinion on it:
Sources at Biloxi Seventh Baptist Church confirmed Tuesday that the entire church body is still pretending never to drink alcoholic beverages. Based on the church’s strong convictions, every member of the church is staunchly committed to pretend to abstain from alcohol while in the presence of other Baptists.
“It’s important to avoid the appearance of evil,” said church member Fred Myers. “That’s why I committed a long time ago to never let on that I love downing a few craft beers during a ball game on the weekends.” Myers always orders a Diet Coke when with his Baptist friends and family, though he’s been known to order a beer on tap as long as he’s in another state where no one can recognize him.
Other members of the church share the same commitment. Take Ethel Carver, 82. She credits her long life to her zealous dedication to the Lord, eating lots of fruits, vegetables, and casseroles, and pretending not to down two shots of whiskey before bed every night.
“Ever since I was a little girl, my parents raised me right, the Baptist way,” she said. “We don’t smoke, we don’t chew, we don’t drink alcohol unless no other Baptists are around. Just like the Bible says.”
Baptists and Southern Baptists chose the Churchian path back in 1880. Perhaps that didn’t matter as much then, when society was predominantly Christian. But it definitely matters now. Prohibition is a man-made dogma and has nothing whatsoever to do with Christianity. But growing up amongst rampant Baptist hypocrisy did provide me with an effective anti-BS radar as well as an instinctive contempt for Bible-lawyering, as the ridiculous contortions involved in asserting that all the references to “wine” in the Bible actually refer to “non-alcoholic grape juice” made the divide between Christianity and Churchianity hard to miss, even for children.
Southern Baptists had worked at least three decades to secure legal prohibition. They saw the 18th Amendment as a culmination of their labor. They also had come to view prohibition advocacy as a defining mark of Baptist identity…. Since 1934, the SBC has adopted at least 35 statements opposing alcohol, the latest in 2006.
Now they see opposing racism, nationalism, identity politics, and patriotism as defining marks of Baptist identity. And they’ll oppose those things even less successfully than they opposed alcohol, which is why the Baptist identity will fade away over time in the same way that the Abecedarian and Episcopalian identities have.