As Supreme Dark Lord of the Evil Legion of Evil, we are pleased to declare that Malwyn, Whore-Mistress of the Spiked Six-Whip, has reported that she has completed the initial Branding of the Minions. She has now gone to take a well-deserved vacation in one of the more secluded lava pits in our Realm of Deepest Shadow, where she will no doubt be nursing her aching wrists and filing for overtime as well as worker’s compensation.
Speaking of which… don’t bite next time, 331. That being said, we are, in our Evil Pleasure, now willing to entertain questions from our newly minted Minions, still Vile and Faceless, but no longer Numberless.
“Supreme Dark Lord, it would be an honor to become a minion of the Evil Legion of Evil.”
Naturally. An honor few truly merit, and yet, in Our Dark Grace, we are kind. I think I shall call you… 185.
“What are we supposed to call you?”
Supreme Dark Lord. Although we may be addressed as either “Your Malevolence” or “Shadow of Shadows”.
“How many of us are there?”
335 as of this morning. We are reliably informed that the Master of the Hunt is going to have to send out the Hellhounds twice a day to catch enough SJWs to feed you all once a week. Fortunately, Tor Books has just remaindered a good quantity of necrobestials he can use to bait the traps.
“Your Malevolence, if you or Malwyn are accepting ideas for gear, I would buy a pair of
steel-toed, black leather jackboots with the “Evil Legion of Evil” logo
on the side, and “Dread Ilk” embossed backwards across the front of the
toe. I’m not made of money, but I would shell out upwards of $500 for
We refer you to Nero, the Fabulously Evil Style Consultant to the Legion. Despite our Dark Splendour, we are disinclined to concern ourselves with matters sartorial, preferring to focus Our Dark Genius on matters both strategic and sadistic.
“Is the Evil Legion of Evil really evil?”
Let us put it this way. A bona fide Harkonnen is Minion Nr. 250. How evil is THAT?
“Shadow of Shadows, can we use our number here?”
The measure of the depths of my total indifference can only be grasped by contemplating the outer limits of SJW deceit. That being said, it appears the favored usage is “name (#)”. Violators will be handed over to the Grand Strategikon for his ongoing experiments in crucifixion variants.
“The Evil Legion of Evil is the best thing to happen to fandom in a long
time. I look forward to the final, high-casualty, low-survival,
apocalyptic battle of Total Doom with the wretched SJW hordes, and the
post-slaughter bbq & bourbon.”
Isn’t it though? SJWs make good eating. It’s the auto-forcefeeding that makes them so nice and plump. We find we prefer orientationally-challenged female SJWs for Our Dark Table, as they always have such a lovely hint of Doritos flavoring to them.
“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Vox Day Italia wgah-nagl fhtagn!”
Gesundheit. Alas, Our Many-Tentacled Cousin (by adoption) appears likely to miss the party this year, as we are told he slumbers on beneath the ice, dreaming of wrong-angled R’lyah.
In Certainty of the Dawnless Day on which the Shadow Shall Embrace All,
Supreme Dark Lord
Evil Legion of Evil