My ideal 2016 presidential candidate

At first, I thought Carly Fiorina’s campaign for the presidency was a joke. I mean, here is a woman who is one of corporate America’s most epic failures, a laughingstock and byword for disaster throughout the entire tech sector. But then I realized, what if she can do for the federal payroll what she did for the payrolls of Compaq and Hewlett Packard? And considering the way in which the federal government is increasingly targeting Americans, don’t we want a woman whose ineptitude is legendary to be running things?

Let’s face it, the Obama administration has delivered, and then some, in the comedy department. The way in which Jewish Democrats are going berserk is only the most recent amusement it has provided. Since my primary interest in a U.S. president is the comedic value of his administration (none of the candidates are even talking about addressing the three relevant issues, Repatriation, Repudiating debt, and Restoring national sovereignty, so we might as well look for some entertainment out of them), my preferences are as follows:

  1. Carly Fiorina: She’s clearly the candidate most likely to accidentally declare war on Japan and Belgium, then downsize Health and Human Services.
  2. Joe Biden: He’s like the Prince Philip of America, always good for a totally inappropriate comment.
  3. Hilary Clinton: Between the financial corruption and the lesbianism, I think the comedy value would make her boring, flat-toned speeches bearable. Let’s not forget the potential that First Lady Bill would offer.
  4. Donald Trump: My concern is that as a successful businessman, he might actually take the job seriously and end up selling off New Mexico, California, and Nevada to a Chinese-Mexican consortium to get rid of the federal deficit.
  5. Chris Christie. President Fat Bastard would be briefly hilarious, but too reliant on the visual aspects of comedy to remain funny for long. 

Seriously, there isn’t a single declared candidate who is going to delay the collapse for so much as a month, so don’t be looking to any of them for salvation. It just isn’t in the cards, at least not through the U.S. electoral system. At this point, there is nothing more to do than wait to see if it will be the American Caesar or the Hispanic Alaric.