It’s so cute

It’s always rather charming when New York Times reporters attempt to pose as political independents and pretend that they are somewhere in the middle between Republicans and Democrats:

In barely two weeks, Republicans will converge in Cleveland for the Trumpocalypse, a fact-free and hate-filled gathering likely to be as scary as it will be entertaining. A week later the Democrats will assemble in Philadelphia in a focus-group-tested pander fest, as tightly scripted as the visualize-world-peace answers at a Miss Universe contest.

If you feel left out, you have plenty of company. You can search across the fruited plain and nowhere will you find a political convention for the affiliation that more Americans identify with than any other — independents. According to Pew Research, the share of indies now stands at its highest point in more than 75 years of polling: 39 percent. And although other surveys slightly disagree, the point is the same: a plurality of voters has no place to call political home.

This large island of independents is a habitat of shruggers, doubters and contrarians. There’s room for nuance in their thinking. Millions of these middle-grounders are actually leaners who sorta, kinda, maybe like most of what one party stands for — and then find out that they share a label with Sarah Palin.

As someone who thinks Democrats are ossified on education and afraid to speak out against the P.C. censors in their midst, and who finds Republicans horrific on science, guns and nearly everything else, I went online looking for a party hookup. In one quiz, after answering a dozen questions, I was found to be a moderate Democrat.

A pox on both their houses! But mostly on the one that is horrific about everything and is nominating the younger son of Satan himself.

I don’t know about you, but I’m totally convinced that Tim Egan is just another “political orphan” who has no idea whether he’ll vote for Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump at this early stage of the campaign. “We political orphans”. Oh, Timmy, what a scamp! Don’t you just want to pinch his cheeks?

“I just can’t decide who I like better. On the one hand, Trumpzilla the Thrice-Damned, who is stupid, smells bad, and raped his own daughter, whose tiny hands are dripping red with the blood of slaughtered women, children, and immigrants, isn’t afraid to speak his mind. On the other, St. Hillary the Pure-in-Heart is a brilliant and beautiful woman who has an amazing grasp on exactly what this country needs in order to move ahead, but I’m concerned that her ideas about charter schools on Indian reservations might be a little dated. Like every other political orphan out there, I’m still trying to make up my mind!”

I wonder which way he’ll lean in the end?